Christmas let's get real.
I was listening to the Christmas carols in the shops – I shit you not, the one out of Love Actually (I feel it in my fingers… I feel it in my tooooes…) was on in every 2nd store I walked into… with all of the sparkly tinsel and perfectly wrapped presents and shiny billboards depicting images of sparkly Christmas perfection…
And I started to laugh, because, try as I surely have over the years, Christmas day has NEVER looked this way at my house.
There is the unfortunate extended video footage of me getting stuck in the ikea kids tunnel, the many failed attempts to sneak presents into children’s rooms quietly, only to step on a piece of Lego (or walk into a wall) on the way out… waking the whole house up. The boiling dry of the Christmas pudding, and let’s just not mention the Christmas shorts, the Christmas hats, the Christmas antlers… the Christmas sing-star performance.
With this in mind, at no extra charge, I present to you today a list of what I DO know about REAL no bull-sh*t Christmases…
(to keep handy and reassure you that you are totally normal).
STUFF THAT I KNOW ABOUT REAL CHRISTMASES
Despite your best intentions and preparations, It’s NEVER going to be perfect. (nor should it be…) let’s face it, haven’t we all got a favourite Christmas memory that goes something along the lines of…
- Your brother rocking up hung-over (completely unable to do anything useful all day) while you all had to listen to your gullible mum fussing over him actually believing that it must have been something he ate.
- Drawing on the person who feel asleep first’s face (you can't prove that was me Dad!)
- The food fights, random water bomb attacks. Feisty, post lunch neighbourhood cricket matches.
- The faking that you LOVED the stylish hankies that your grandma gave you.
- Someone busting their tooth on the money in the pudding.
- Huge announcements made at the dinner table, to a captive audience. And I’m sure we all remember an epic Christmas argument… Ala Seinfeld’s Festivus.
Santa is not really watching. That dude is so busy hanging out in shopping centres having his photo taken with hyped up kids, that he’s got no idea what you’re doing…. Party on!!!
For lots of people, it’s a really painful sucky time of year (Don’t forget to find them and love them hard! Or at the very least not complain to them about your family Christmas or situation when you know that they would give anything to have your circumstances to complain about.)
All teenagers want cash – period!
That food coma sleep on the couch after lunch rocks!
It’s easy for a couple of people to end up doing most of the work… If that’s the case at your house, do something about changing it this year would YA?
And finally, if you spend all day videoing it, tweeting it, selfie-ing it, broadcasting it to the world, you miss the entire point dickhead!
That’s my list anyway… is there anything that I’ve forgotten?
Here’s to relaxing, smiling, being grateful for what you’ve got.
Hope that you have a lovely festive season, whatever that looks like, or means to each and every one of you lovely chickies.
HO HO HO