Welcome to my pity party. V.I.P guest me.

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What becomes of the broken hearted?

- chickie pity party alert….

Ok chickies, I have a confession to make…

I have been holding a bit of a ‘pity party’ at my house this summer… yep, guest of honor… ME!

You see, ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ here, decided that just because one man made a highly intelligent decision that he didn’t want to live in my sparkly, interesting universe anymore,

that obviously:

my life was over

i was done… dusted … doomed

i was clearly flawed, unlovable, worthless

too sad to possibly function

living in a pit of self despair, with a constant crushing pain in my heart and a continual gnawing sick churning in my stomach…

Miserable, inconsolable, lost, broken….

Who? Me? Drama queen????

Never!!!

now, even though this self indulgent behavior, this morose self flagellation went against every rational, sensible, logical bone in my body and flew in the face of all that I thought I was and everything that I aspire to stand for…

I still let it keep on eating me up inside… i took my christmas , my new year’s eve, my summer (which are also my only child free holidays for the entire year) even my annual Australia day fun, and I flushed them ALL down the toilet….

one minute i was a sparkly little social butterfly, full of enthusiasm, hope, joy and light…. looking for laughs and love and adventure

(aside from one week of every month where I am more of an irrational, homicidal maniac, but isn’t that normal???)

the next….

(well to be fair, it actually took a couple of months of being subjected to various forms of man-torture to get myself into this woeful state…)

i found myself curled up under the doona, extremely sooky and difficult to be coaxed out of bed spending long days of being alone in the house, punishing myself. cut off from the outside world with no newspapers, television, music, … food (well there was toast and cheese)… personal hygiene flew out the window with a peg on its nose… it was SO not attractive I looked scarily like the sad chick out of the movie ‘bridesmaids’ (though regretably there was no action from either a man with a red ferarri, or a sweet policeman dammit)

it was not pretty folks!

I really knew I was in trouble last week when I answered the front door mid morning with eyes so swollen from crying that I could barely focus on the poor, unfortunate delivery man standing before me…. as I was signing his book I realized that I had my nightie on inside out and back to front

things were looking very tragic BUT (never fear ladies…)

one day came my ‘light globe moment’….

Surprisingly, it didn’t come whilst my sister was administering some cold hard truths regarding (what she perceived to be) how much I had given in said relationship, as compared to what I was getting back.

It wasn’t while my most protective friend was begging for said man’s address so that she could pay a visit with a baseball bat to defend my honor. (yes that would have helped…)

T’was not because another dear friend was sending me hourly “community service” text messages for a whole week:

“tool, tool, the man is a tool… you deserve so much better”

(though to be honest, that one did make me smile just a little bit on the inside…)

it wasn’t even my devoted male friend’s brutal tough-love- advice-type-intervention (the details of which are best not repeated here… )

no...

it turned out to be a simple question that my sweetest friend asked me very quietly and calmly (while I was sitting on the couch struggling to hold in my raw misery)on January 27th….

“why are you doing this to yourself???”… she asked

DA DA

LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!!!

And THAT my chickie friends, was when I had a most excellent conversation with my broken self….

I said…

“listen here chickie...”

Was I ‘me’ in this relationship? … yes, yes I was

Was I honest at all times? … yes, yes, I was (maybe even a little too honest)

Did I give everything that I had to give? …. Yep, can’t see anything left in the bag to pull out.

Was I gutsy enough to ask for what I wanted/needed? ... yes I was, even though it was way out of my comfort zone to do so.

Did I put my heart on the line? .... yep, cut it out with a blunt knife and ‘plated it up’ like a masterchef contestant… even sprinkled it with my dignity

Righty-ho then…

So,

Do I have any control over whether or not someone chooses to love me or value me in their life? .... nope

Do I have any control over whether or not they think my quirky, passionate, emotional ways are worth taking a risk on in the long run? … NO I DO NOT

Am I everybody’s cup of tea? .... notsomuch

Am I perfect? ... fuck no!!!

Do I have baggage? .... shit yeah, who doesn’t?

Am I a work in progress? …. yes, yes, YES i am… Will I stuff up in the future?... my oath I will (and it will not always be bad, sometimes it will be very entertaining…)

Will I continue to do my best to look at my stuff ups, learn from them and try and find better ways to deal with life’s twists and turns??? … Yep, that’s the plan Stan, it’s working for me so far!

Will there be someone out there who will be THRILLED to take that journey with me?

BIG, FAT YES!!!!!

(although obviously my chances will increase if I get out of this funk, have a shower and brush my teeth….)

so my dear chickies, you will all be relieved to know that this chickie is on the mend…

the pity party is O-V-E-R someone called the cops, and its been closed down!

I’ve had: a shower- check washed hair (actually, I went and had a blow wave… ) shaved legs –check brushed teeth – very important put all of the empty wine bottles out in the recycle bin – (environmentally conscious too… what a catch!) put the dvd’s back in the cupboard (bye bye ‘notebook’, ‘bridget jones’ and ‘love actually’)

I have vacated the bed, and am now off to spend some quality time with my patient, long suffering, friends …. We will be laughing, smiling and I will be listening to THEIR CRAP for a change.

Please someone tell me that there’s still a little bit of summer left for me to enjoy???

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BlogSue Muller